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    我在

    作者:張曉風 時間:2012-3-25 10:42:57 點擊:10139


    我在

      記得是小學三年級,偶然生病,不能去上學,于是抱膝坐在床上,望著窗外寂寂青山、遲遲春日,心里竟有一份巨大幽沉至今猶不能忘的凄涼。當時因為小,無法對自己說清楚那番因由,但那份痛,卻是記得的。
      為什么痛呢?現在才懂,只因你知道,你的好朋友都在那里,而你偏不在,于是你癡癡地想,他們此刻在操場上追追打打嗎?他們在教室里挨罵嗎?他們到底在干什么啊?不管是好是歹,我想跟他們在一起啊!一起挨罵挨打都是好的啊!
      于是,開始喜歡點名,大清早,大家都坐得好好的,小臉還沒有開始臟,小手還沒有汗濕,老師說:
      “xxx”
      “在!”
      正經而清脆,仿佛不是回答老師,而是回答宇宙乾坤,告訴天地,告訴歷史,說,有一個孩子“在”這里。
      回答“在”字,對我而言總是一種飽滿的幸福。
      然后,長大了,不必被點名了,卻迷上旅行。每到山水勝處,總想舉起手來,像那個老是睜著好奇圓眼的孩子,回一聲:
      “我在。”
      “我在”和“某某到此一游”不同,后者張狂跋扈,目無余子,而說“我在”的仍是個清晨去上學的孩子,高高興興地回答長者的問題。
      其實人與人之間,或為親情或為友情或為愛情,哪一種親密的情誼不能基于我在這里,剛好,你也在這里的前題?一切的愛,不就是“同在”的緣份嗎?就連神明,其所以神明,也無非由于“昔在、今在、恒在”,以及“無所不在”的特質。而身為一個人,我對自已“只能出現于這個時間和空間的局限”感到另一種可貴,仿佛我是拼圖板上扭曲奇特的一塊小形狀,單獨看,毫無意義,及至恰恰嵌在適當的時空,卻也是不可少的一塊。天神的存在是無始無終浩浩莽莽的無限,而我是此時際此山此水中的有情和有覺。
      有一年,和丈夫帶著一團的年輕人到美國和歐洲去表演,我堅持選崔顥的《長干曲》作為開幕曲,在一站復一站的陌生城市里,舞臺上碧色綢子抖出來粼粼水波,〖屏蔽***〗樂府悠然導出:
      君家何處走,妾住在橫塘。
      停船暫借問,或恐是同鄉。
      渺渺煙波里,只因錯肩而過,只因你在清風我在明月,只因彼此皆在這地球,而地球又在太虛,所以不免停舟問一句話,問一問彼此隸屬的籍貫,問一問昔日所生、他年所葬的故里,那年夏天,我們也是這樣一路去問海外中國人的隸屬所在的啊!
      《舊約》里記載了一則三千年前的故事,那時老先知以利因年邁而昏聵無能,坐視寵壞的兒子橫行,小先知撒母耳卻仍是幼童,懵懵懂懂地穿件小法袍在空曠的大圣殿里走來走去。然而,事情發生了,有一夜他聽見輕聲的呼喚:
      “撒母耳!”
      他雖渴睡卻是個機警的孩子,跳起來,便跑到老人以利面前:
      “你叫我,我在這里!”
      “我沒有叫你,”老態龍鐘的以利說,“你去睡吧!”
      孩子躺下,他又聽到相同的叫喚:
      “撒母耳!”
      “我在這里,是你叫我吧?”他又跑到以利跟前。
      “不是,我沒叫你,你去睡吧。”
      第三次他又聽見那召喚的聲音,小小的孩子實在給弄糊涂了,但他仍然盡快跑到以利面前。
      老以利驀然一驚,原來孩子已經長大了,原來他不是小孩子夢里聽錯了話,不,他已聽到第一次天音,他已面對神圣的召喚。雖然他只是一個稚弱的小孩,雖然他連什么是“天之鐘命”也聽不懂,可是,舊時代畢竟已結束,少年英雄會受天承運挑起八方風雨。
      “小撒母耳,回去吧!有些事,你以前不懂,如果你再聽到那聲音,你就說:‘神啊!請說,我在這里。’”
      撒母耳果真第四度聽到聲音,夜空爍爍,廊柱聳立如歷史,聲音從風中來,聲音從星光中來,聲音從心底的潮聲中來,來召喚一個孩子。撒母耳自此至死,一直是個威儀赫赫的先知,只因多年前,當他還是稚童的時候,他答應了那聲呼喚,并且說:“我,在這里。”
      我當然不是先知,從來沒有想做“救星”的大志,卻喜歡讓自己是一個“緊急待命”的人,隨時能說“我在,我在這里?”
      這輩子從來沒喝得那么多,大約是一瓶啤酒吧,那是端午節的晚上,在澎湖的小離島。為了紀念屈原,漁人那一天不出海,小學校長陪著我們和家長會的朋友吃飯,對著仰著脖子的敬酒者你很難說“不”。他們喝酒的樣子和我習見的學院人士大不相同,幾杯下肚,忽然紅上臉來,原來酒的力量竟是這么大的。起先,那些寬闊黧黑的臉不免不自覺地有一份面對臺北人和讀書人的卑抑,但一喝了酒,竟人人急著說起話來,說他們沒有淡水的日子怎么苦,說淡水管如何修好了又壞了,說他們寧可傾家蕩產,也不要天天開船到別的島上去搬運淡水……
      而他們嘴里所說的淡水,在臺北人看來,也不過是咸澀難咽的怪味水罷了——只是于他們卻是遙不可及的美夢。
      我們原來只是想去捐書,只是想為孩子們設置閱覽室,沒有料到他們紅著臉粗著脖子叫嚷的卻是水!這個島有個好聽的名字,叫鳥嶼,巖岸是美麗的黑得發亮的玄武石組成的。浪大時,水珠會跳過教室直落到操場上來,澄瑩的藍波里有珍貴的丁香魚,此刻餐桌上則是酥炸的海膽,鮮美的小鱔……然而這樣一個島,卻沒有淡水。
      我能為他們做什么?在同盞共飲的黃昏,也許什么都不能,但至少我在這里,在傾聽,在思索我能做的事……
      讀書,也是一種“在”。
      有一年,到圖書館去,翻一本《春在堂筆記》,那是俞樾先生的集子,紅綢精裝的封面,打開封底一看,竟然從來也沒人借閱過,真是“古來圣賢皆寂寞”啊!”心念一動,便把書借回家去。書在,春在,但也要讀者在才行啊!我的讀書生涯竟像某些人玩“碟仙”,仿佛面對作者的精魄。對我而言,李賀是隨召而至的,悲哀悼亡的時刻,我會說:“我在這里,來給我念那首《苦晝短》吧!念‘吾不識青天高,黃地厚,唯見月寒日暖,來煎人壽’。”讀那首韋應物的《調笑令》的時候,我會輕輕地念:“胡馬胡馬,遠放燕支山下。跑沙跑雪獨嘶,東望西望路迷。迷路迷路,邊草無窮日暮。”一面覺得自己就是那從唐朝一直狂弛至今不停的戰馬,不,也許不是馬,只是一股‖激‖情‖,被美所迷,被莽莽黃沙和胭脂紅的落日所震懾,因而心緒萬千,不知所止的‖激‖情‖。
      看書的時候,書上總有綽綽人影,其中有我,我總在那里。
      《舊約·創世紀》里,墮落后的亞當在涼風乍至的伊甸園把自己藏匿起來。上帝說:
      “亞當,你在哪里?”
      他噤而不答。
      如果是我,我會走出,說:
      “上帝,我在,我在這里,請你看著我,我在這里。不比一個凡人好,也不比一個凡人壞,我有我的遜順祥和,也有我的叛逆兇戾,我在我無限的求真求美的夢里,也在我脆弱不堪一擊的人性里。上帝啊,俯察我,我在這里。”
      “我在”,意思是說我出席了,在生命的大教室里。
      幾年前,我在山里說過的一句話容許我再說一遍,作為終響:
      “樹在。山在。大地在。歲月在。我在。你還要怎樣更好的世界?”


    .

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