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    美麗的繭

    作者:簡媜 時間:2012-7-31 9:39:05 點擊:13826


    美麗的繭(簡媜)


      讓世界擁有它的腳步,讓我保有我的繭。當潰爛已極的心靈再不想做一絲一毫的思索時,就讓我靜靜回到我的繭內,以回憶為睡榻,以悲哀為覆被,這是我唯一的美麗。
      曾經,每一度春光驚訝著我赤熱的心腸。怎么回事呀?它們開得多美!我沒有忘記自己站在花前的喜悅。大自然一花一草生長的韻律,教給我再生的秘密。像花朵對于季節的忠實,我聽到杜鵑顫微微的傾訴。每一度春天之后,我更忠實于我所深愛的。

      如今,仿佛春已缺席。突然想起,只是一陣冷寒在心里,三月春風似剪刀啊!

      有時,把自己交給街道,交給電影院的椅子。那一晚,莫名其妙地去電影院,隨便坐著,有人來趕,換了一張椅子,又有人來要,最后,乖乖掏出票看個仔細,摸黑去最角落的座位,這才是自己的。被注定了的,永遠便是注定。突然了悟,一切要強都是徒然,自己的空間早已安排好了,一出生,便是千方百計要往那個空間推去,不管愿不愿意。乖乖隨著安排,回到那個空間,告別繽紛的世界,告別我所深愛的,回到那個一度逃脫,以為再也不會回去的角落。當鐵柵的聲音落下,我曉得,我再也出不去。

      我含笑地躺下,攤著偷回來的記憶,一一檢點。也許,是知道自己的時間不多,也許,很宿命地直覺到終要被遣回,當我進入那片繽紛的世界,便急著要把人生的滋味一一嘗遍。很認真,也很死心塌地,一衣一衫,都還有笑聲,還有芳馨。我是要仔細收藏的,畢竟得來不易。在最貼心的衣袋里,有我最珍惜的名字,我仍要每天喚幾次,感覺那一絲溫暖。它們全曾真心真意待著我。如今在這方黑暗的角落,懷抱著它們入睡,已是我唯一能做的報答。

      夠了,我含笑地躺下,這些已夠我做一個美麗的繭。

      每天,總有一些聲音在拉扯我,拉我離開心獄,再去找一個新的世界,一切重新再來。她們比我珍惜我,她們千方百計要找那把鎖結我的手銬腳鐐,那把鎖早已被我遺失。我甘愿自裁,也甘愿遺失。對一個疲憊的人,所有的光明正大的話都像一個個彩色的泡沫,對一個薄弱的生命,又怎能命它去鑄堅強的字句?如果死亡是唯一能做的,那么就由它的性子吧!這是慷慨。

      強迫一只蛹去破繭,讓它落在蜘蛛的網里,是否就是仁慈?

      所有的鳥兒都以為,把魚舉在空中是一種善舉。

      有時,很傻地暗示自己,去走同樣的路,買一模一樣的花,聽熟悉的聲音,遙望那窗,想像小小的燈還亮著,一衣一衫裝扮自己,以為這樣,便可以回到那已逝去的世界,至少至少,閉上眼,感覺自己真的在繽紛之中。

      如果,有醒不了的夢,我一定去做,
      如果,有走不完的路,我一定去走;
      如果,有變不了的愛,我一定去求。
      如果,如果什么都沒有,那就讓我回到宿命的泥土!這二十年的美好,都是善意的謊言,我帶著最美麗的那部分,一起化作春泥。

      可是,連死也不是卑微的人所能大膽妄求的。時間像一個無聊的守獄者,不停地對我玩著黑白牌理。空間像一座大石磨,慢慢地磨,非得把人身上的血脂榨壓竭盡,連最后一滴血水也滴下時,才肯利落地扔掉。世界能亙古地擁有不亂的步伐,自然有一套殘忍的守則與過濾的方式。生活是一個劊子手,刀刃上沒有明天。

      面對臨暮的黃昏,想著過去。一張張可愛的臉孔,一朵朵笑聲……一分一秒年華……一些黎明,一些黑夜……一次無限溫柔生的奧妙,一次無限狠毒死的要挾。被深愛過,也深愛過,認真地哭過,也認真地求生,認真地在愛。如今呢?……人世一遭,不是要來學認真地恨,而是要來領受我所應得的一份愛。在我活著的第二十個年頭,我領受了這份贈禮,我多么興奮地去解開漂亮的結,祈禱是美麗與高貴的禮物。當一對碰碎了的晶瑩琉璃在我顫抖的手中,我能怎樣?認真地流淚,然后呢?然后怎樣?回到黑暗的空間,然后又怎樣?認真地滿足。

      當鐵柵的聲音落下,我知道,我再也無法出去。

      趁生命最后的余光,再仔仔細細檢視一點一滴。把鮮明生動的日子裝進,把熟悉的面孔,熟悉的一言一語裝進,把生活的扉頁,撕下那頁最重最鐘愛的,也一并裝入,自己要一遍又一遍地再讀。把自己也最后裝入,苦心在二十歲,收拾一切燦爛的結束。把微笑還給昨天,把孤單還給自己。

      讓懂的人懂,
      讓不懂的人不懂;
      讓世界是世界,
      我甘心是我的繭。


    .

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